Break Down

On Friday, Liv begged me to take her to the park. I was shocked because she hasn’t wanted to move from the couch all week. She’s just really tired and weak. She begged and begged and it broke my mama heart, because she can’t go to public parks. Way too many germs. So I thought up a plan…my in-laws have a neighbor who has a playground in their yard. She lets our kids play on it whenever we want, her grandkids hardly ever use it because most of them are out of state. So I called to see if I could take the kids there, and wipe it all down with Lysol wipes first. I met my sister in law and her kids there so that all the kids could play together.

I wiped the entire playground down. Slides, swings, teeter totter, hand rails, and rock walls. I talked about the rules with Liv: no playing in the dirt or the sand box, no running on the side walks (if she gets a scrape, its high risk for infection since she has no immune system), and no touching the animals. She understood the rules and was so excited to play! I was a nervous wreck. I followed her around everywhere and made sure all the surfaces were sanitized. I stood right underneath her as she climbed the ladder. I had a anxiety in my chest the whole time. Luckily, she was having fun!

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Then, all the kids went back in my in-laws yard to see the animals (they have chickens and alpacas). All the kids were playing in the alpaca pen and chasing the chickens around, and Liv just stood, by herself, on the outside of the fence and watched. Out of no where I felt a lurch in my chest and heard a loud sob escape my mouth. I honestly didn’t even realize it was me. It was like I was sobbing for a few seconds before I even knew it was happening. I hadn’t cried like that since the night I found out Liv had Leukemia. I’ve had silent tears stream down my face, here and there, but nothing like these wracking sobs.  My heart was broken for my baby. I hated that she had to be so different from the other kids, that her life was full of rules and things she couldn’t do anymore. In that moment I hated cancer and that she was plagued by it.

I watched them for a few more minutes, and gathered my composure. Liv was very clearly worn out, so I suggested we leave. She of course didn’t want to, but I knew she was too tired to last any longer. We headed home and she cried and cried. She wanted to stay so badly. I broke down crying again, luckily she was crying so loudly I don’t think she heard me 🙂

I talked to Rick and he is always so level-headed. I know he is hurting for her too, but he is strong for the both of us. He knows that I can break down, and he wants to keep me as positive as he can. He told me to not think about things like that, that in the scheme of things, her not being able to play at the park or with the animals, was not that significant.  What is important is getting her through the next 2 1/2 years so she can be cancer free and play at the park as much as she wants. We need to stay strong and positive to get to that point. He, of course, is right 🙂

On Sunday, Rick and I went to the Provo City Center Temple Dedication broadcast at church. It was so nice to feel the Spirit, and have an hour to focus on what is important. During the dedication I had a thought. I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for us. I know that he presented that plan to us in Heaven, before we came to earth. I know that I chose to come to earth, despite the challenges I would have. I know that Heavenly Father picked this challenge for Liv and for me and that I can get through it, if I have faith and hope. I know that Christ’s atonement covers not only our sins and transgressions, but also our pains and infirmities. He truly felt the pain that I am feeling, and the pain that Liv is feeling. I am so grateful for his sacrifice and I love my Savior. I trust in Heavenly Father’s plan and I know we can get through this. It will be a long road, but we can do it.

Thank you again for all the love and support and prayers. We feel them and it has strengthened us so much!

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9 thoughts on “Break Down

  1. 😭😭😭 all the tears. Tears for Liv and you. And tears for your beautiful testimony. (And that would so be me and Miles – me breaking down and Miles with the level head. Thank goodness for another perspective to keep us grounded.)

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  2. Kori, I don’t know if you know of me, but when you were just 2 or 3 and looked EXACTLY like Liv, you would come and knock on our door and ask us for “po-po candy” ( purple candy- we had gotten a ton of smarties with some wedding gift (can’t remember). We could never resist you, and you’d ride your po-po biiike, and have “chip-ups” (ketchup) on your scrambled eggs too! You have been a favorite of ours our whole married lives!!! It breaks my heart to see Liv suffer and to hear of your heart aches! I don’t know why, but my niece and my nephew are all of the sudden going through very similar hardships. We started a thing in our family, where we pray every day at 7 a.m. And 7 p.m. For these babies. It’s something we did when our kids were going through trials on their missions. We would figure out what time we’d all be awake, both in the Ukraine and here at home, or England and here, and we would all pray at the same time every day. This, for one very important reason: that they don’t feel like they are suffering alone. We started it again on Dec 29th, this past year – at 7 a.m. And 7 p.m. We still do it– every day (we set alarms on our phones), no matter where we are, or what we are doing. We will continue as long as we need to. There have been amazing miracles! And there should be, we’ve been promised that if we keep our covenants and obey and have faith; we can expect miracles, and that we should. We still have to go through hard things, but there can still be miracles in hard things. I just want you to know, that we still call ketchup –“chip-ups”. And purple “po-po”. And all of our kids know of you and now are praying for “little Liv” at 7 a.m. And 7 p.m., every single day! We love you, even though you have no idea who we are. You’re one amazing lady!!!

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  3. I remember sitting outside the MRI the first night they brought Lonnie in. They came out and told me he was paralyzed. I collapsed in the hallway on the nasty hospital floor and sobbed. I will never forget it. I think that’s the only time I really lost it but I really lost it. Every time I walk by that spot in the hospital now that’s all I think about. A good break down here and there is just part of the process. It’s good for the soul to go through. Don’t try to hold it in. You are going through and incredibly hard journey. Hang in there. Your doing amazing!! Ps I can give my dog a good bath and maybe livi could play!! Probably no lot but maybe!! Please let me know if I can do anything to help.

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  4. I came here from your mom’s blog (I’m a CTMH consultant also) because I felt compelled to share with you a little of our family’s story. My older daughter had just turned 5 when she was diagnosed with a soft tissue cancer. March 30th will be 6 years of her being cancer-free. Ironically, she also has Celiac’s, but wasn’t diagnosed until after her treatment ended. I want to encourage you. It will be a long and exhausting haul, but the way I survived was doing exactly as you are doing …get it all out on a blog or journal, your feelings, the good times, the bad times, pictures of everyone…you, her, siblings, family, visitors, even family pets…it will be invaluable once this is all done. Keep track of all the blessings…no matter how small they may seem. I made a blessings book. Our family continues to look back and see how God engineered things for our good. Romans 8:28 gives us hope that God will make good come out of what you are going through. Accept whatever help is offered: prayer, meals/gift cards, childcare assistance, housework assistance, “playtime”, “processing” time, hospital care packages, sibling care packages…it all helps to keep YOU going, who she will need the most. I also wanted to give you a link for a program for Liv’s siblings…many times the siblings start to feel “lost” in the midst of all that’s going on. The siblings end up spending so much time with grandparents/ other providers, that they sometimes start to feel left out by mom/dad. I want to encourage you, if you are the one always at the hospital with Liv, make one-one dates with your other children too and let Liv spend time with the grandparents instead. One of our social workers signed my younger daughter up for this and while it was a simple thing…she was thrilled to get her own mail (and trophy). It made her feel special and reminded us to make sure we spent one on one time with her too. Here’s the link: http://www.alexslemonade.org/campaign/supersibs/comfort-care-program Pretty sure, as a parent, you can self-refer your other children. I hope you find it helpful!

    God Bless your family and we’ll be praying for you all!
    Jeanne

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    1. Thank you so much for sharing your story, Jeanne! This encourages me so much. Like you said, I have already noticed the other siblings really being affected by this. Its hard to find time to give focus to them, but I know it is so important. Thank you for sharing the program with me!

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