On Friday, Liv begged me to take her to the park. I was shocked because she hasn’t wanted to move from the couch all week. She’s just really tired and weak. She begged and begged and it broke my mama heart, because she can’t go to public parks. Way too many germs. So I thought up a plan…my in-laws have a neighbor who has a playground in their yard. She lets our kids play on it whenever we want, her grandkids hardly ever use it because most of them are out of state. So I called to see if I could take the kids there, and wipe it all down with Lysol wipes first. I met my sister in law and her kids there so that all the kids could play together.
I wiped the entire playground down. Slides, swings, teeter totter, hand rails, and rock walls. I talked about the rules with Liv: no playing in the dirt or the sand box, no running on the side walks (if she gets a scrape, its high risk for infection since she has no immune system), and no touching the animals. She understood the rules and was so excited to play! I was a nervous wreck. I followed her around everywhere and made sure all the surfaces were sanitized. I stood right underneath her as she climbed the ladder. I had a anxiety in my chest the whole time. Luckily, she was having fun!
Then, all the kids went back in my in-laws yard to see the animals (they have chickens and alpacas). All the kids were playing in the alpaca pen and chasing the chickens around, and Liv just stood, by herself, on the outside of the fence and watched. Out of no where I felt a lurch in my chest and heard a loud sob escape my mouth. I honestly didn’t even realize it was me. It was like I was sobbing for a few seconds before I even knew it was happening. I hadn’t cried like that since the night I found out Liv had Leukemia. I’ve had silent tears stream down my face, here and there, but nothing like these wracking sobs. My heart was broken for my baby. I hated that she had to be so different from the other kids, that her life was full of rules and things she couldn’t do anymore. In that moment I hated cancer and that she was plagued by it.
I watched them for a few more minutes, and gathered my composure. Liv was very clearly worn out, so I suggested we leave. She of course didn’t want to, but I knew she was too tired to last any longer. We headed home and she cried and cried. She wanted to stay so badly. I broke down crying again, luckily she was crying so loudly I don’t think she heard me 🙂
I talked to Rick and he is always so level-headed. I know he is hurting for her too, but he is strong for the both of us. He knows that I can break down, and he wants to keep me as positive as he can. He told me to not think about things like that, that in the scheme of things, her not being able to play at the park or with the animals, was not that significant. What is important is getting her through the next 2 1/2 years so she can be cancer free and play at the park as much as she wants. We need to stay strong and positive to get to that point. He, of course, is right 🙂
On Sunday, Rick and I went to the Provo City Center Temple Dedication broadcast at church. It was so nice to feel the Spirit, and have an hour to focus on what is important. During the dedication I had a thought. I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for us. I know that he presented that plan to us in Heaven, before we came to earth. I know that I chose to come to earth, despite the challenges I would have. I know that Heavenly Father picked this challenge for Liv and for me and that I can get through it, if I have faith and hope. I know that Christ’s atonement covers not only our sins and transgressions, but also our pains and infirmities. He truly felt the pain that I am feeling, and the pain that Liv is feeling. I am so grateful for his sacrifice and I love my Savior. I trust in Heavenly Father’s plan and I know we can get through this. It will be a long road, but we can do it.
Thank you again for all the love and support and prayers. We feel them and it has strengthened us so much!